I am accused, as if others are not guilty, of being a unreliable self centered prick. I usually get this comment hurled at me I don’t ‘live up’ to or don’t think or behave in a manner which befits others. I try to explain the situation to them but be damned if they accept it. All they are willing to accept or understand is how they see things; regardless of the finer details I informed them of. Yet, during my time being alive I have noticed this trend in people here in the first world. People only wish to understand any given situation as it relates to their own emotions and how it only effects them.
I have attempted for years to tolerate this attitude but I am reaching the point in which I am starting to give up the majority of the first world population to be able to see past the tip of own noses. I am not comfortable with starting to view most people this way. I know people can see how no one can be everything they expect people to be. Yet, far too often people throw a bitch fit on me when I say, ‘No I can’t’ or ‘Sorry I am not able to do that.’ I usually have to be berated with ‘why not?!’ ‘You don’t care about me!’ ‘You are an asshole!’ ‘You are not a true friend’ or ‘I don’t believe you. You just don’t care.’ It is as if the majority of people here in Japan, both Japanese and non-Japanese, have the emotional maturity of a teenager.
Maybe I have lost you a bit so allow me to offer some details. The things, I used to be far more stable money wise than I currently am. I was without a job for eight months and I only been fully employed again for the past three months. Also, I deal with social alienation differently then I did in the past. Not only that, but my current job places a greater limitation on my ‘free time.’ So add all these things together and I have had to choose what I do in life very differently compared to years past.
I am still getting back on my feet as far as money goes so I choose activities to do carefully. For example, I would rather go to a kick music festival than go to the beach. I cannot do both and live music is more interesting by far. I would rather spend a day by the river, in my local hood, drinking beers and firing off bottle rockets than drag my ass on a train for over an hour and a half to wonder around in the woods. I would rather go to a yakiniku joint, eat cheap meat and drink cheap beer than go bar hopping chasing shallow spoiled young gals. Considering I get up early in the morning during the week and travel on a crowded ass train for an hour, I don’t want to be on the damn train on the weekend if I can avoid it. BTW Train fare can get add up real quick and drain my wallet. So the fact that money is still kind of tight for me and spending extra yen on non work related train fare is something I try to avoid, how about people coming to see me instead of me spending all the extra time and money to see them.
I am not done ranting.
There is also that fact where I work has changed. For years I traveled all the to Yokohama from Tokyo for work. So, I spent a lot of time in Yokohama and got to know a lot of people. It was easy for me to see them and hang out because I was in Yokohama often. Well, after dealing with being jobless for an extended amount of time and now finally having a job in Tokyo I have not been able to run down to the Yokohama area to see people. After work I am in Tokyo and pretty tired. By the time I got to Yokohama I would spend less time with people and more time on the trains. Fuck doing all that train travel after work.
So these days my life is different. I am focused more on the things which are important to me than trying to give a piece of myself to everyone who demands it. I finally have a job I actually really like; although it totally wears me out daily. I read a lot more than I have over the past several years; which was something I loved doing when I was younger. I get far more research done. I am writing regularly again; currently working on a long over due novel. I can be involved in activism more now. And I am in general a more calm person in general.
Yet, I am a unreliable self centered prick.
Welcome to another aspect of the life of Jon Doe.